Rosemary for Remembrance

Why am I never satisfied?

What do I have to do to become satisfied?

Why can’t all the pieces fall in to place instead of falling apart?  What is the point of picking up the pieces if they never stay together or don’t fit together?

Why can’t I bring myself to actually strive to achieve the goals I set?  Making goals is obviously easier than achieving them, but why then do I make goals?

Why is nothing ever enough?

On a somewhat unrelated note, things with Dylan are good.  For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I need to keep him at a distance to keep myself safe.  I’m at home with him.  Conversely, something is missing when he’s gone.  I hate not knowing when I’ll see him almost as much as I hate knowing that I next time I’ll see him is temporary; that he’ll leave.  I don’t know what I’m running from or where I’m running to, but I want him to be with me.  The fear that desire provokes is crowded out by the desire itself.  I want him to be waiting to catch me when I collapse from exhaustion at the end of every day.  I take solace in knowing that he would if he could.  Dylan has taught me patience in more ways than he can understand.  We joked on the last weekend before this semester started that we should just run away to a new city and start over.  We should have done it.  I’m going to do it eventually, I just hope he’ll come with.

We should buy a beautiful old house that’s been made in to apartments.  We could all live together without having to actually be roommates.  You could have an apartment, Erin could have one, and I could have one.  We could live our lives separately, but never apart.  I miss you.