Rosemary for Remembrance

Lindsey,

I have this notebook that’s sort of similar to the notebook you have to keep little notes and doodles in.  Mostly, I write down the post secret secrets that hit close to home, short letters full of things I’ll never say to people I should talk to more often, and reminders to myself about who I am.  A few months ago, you tumbled about how when “people like” me are single, you lose a bit of hope for yourself.  I printed out the post, cut it, and taped it into my notebook.  Beside it, I wrote, “I wish I could make you understand that they just aren’t good enough for you.”

Now that neither of us is single, an update is in order.  Occasionally, I rediscover my actual age.  It’s generally an unpleasant experience to be avoided at all costs.  I’ve gotten full of myself over the last 8 months or so.  I’ve struggled with having the confidence to pursue relationships, to not pursue relationships, and to be a happy bachelorette.  Maturity and rationality have a major disadvantage when utilized while attempting to achieve happiness.  My age prevents me from seeing reality sometimes.

So in this likely false state of newfound wisdom, here’s what I’ve learned.  Being single and happy/content is possible.  Relationships are about someone who creates a void in your existence.  They interrupt your happiness, but have the capacity to heighten it without you realizing that they’ve interrupted anything.  I stand by my assertion that whoever makes boys doesn’t make any good enough for you.  However, there are undoubtedly men who can create a void and have the potential to increase your happiness.  I’m totally for that.

I suppose then what I have to update, the only significant change in my thoughts on the topic in the last few months, is how to know if some boy is acceptable.  If he is willing to do the work to ensure that you never realize that he’s created a void, I approve.  What I’ve learned through experience instead of rationality is that a guy who can create a void in your happiness without trying to fill it is excruciating.

Love,

CJ